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I’ve heard it mentioned in many motivational speeches that the Chinese word for “crisis” is spelled using two characters, one meaning “danger” and the other meaning “opportunity”. Hence, is is often said that the Chinese word for Crisis actually translates to “Crisis = Danger + Opportunity”. The accuracy of this analysis is debated however for simplicity and for my purposes I will vouch for the wisdom of this idiom.
After years of dating shallow and insincere men it is just so striking how when the love is true how startlingly obvious it is and how there is no doubt whatsoever about the genuineness of that love. When the love is real, there is not doubt, no wondering, no searching for signs of whether or not your love is requited. You know it because all of his actions and all of his words tell you he loves you every single day. When someone loves you, there is no doubt.
Getting Personal Now . . .Mr. Sag and I are expecting our first baby next March (anniversary baby). Yep, four months into marriage and we were already prego, LOL. I was really happy because with the exception of some first trimester fatigue this pregnancy has been super easy and comfortable. Danger . . . Suddenly, this Wednesday I started feeling some pain in my lower abdomen. I was uncomfortable but reasoned that it was just ligament and muscle growth from my ever expanding belly. Unfortunately by Thursday the pain had become far more uncomfortable and much more severe. Mr. Sag and my family urged me to call the doctor so I did. He told us to come in first thing Friday morning. We discovered that I am having some complications. The great news is that the baby is growing and looks happy as can be in my belly. But the pain was wickedly severe at this point so the doctor prescribed some meds and demanded bed rest for at least one week. The doctor has warned me that if i don’t take it easy, simmer down and listen to him that I can run the risk of causing the fibroid to “freak out”, for lack of a better word, and to lead to potential cramping and preterm labor which would be devastating. So where is the “opportunity”?
Through all this misery, Mr.Sag has been by my side, holding my hand, hugging me, supporting me and being a voice of reason and positivity. What’s more is that he is showing me how much he loves me every minute. Mr.Sag has been waiting on me hand and foot. I kid you not, he will not let me out of bed. Cooking, cleaning, nursing, loving, Mr. Sag is taking care of me. I have never felt more loved in my life. Just seeing how much he cares and truly loves me is alleviating my pain. Sometimes we can’t prevent bad things from happening but if we keep our eyes open we can see the beauty in the people around us who come to our aid to help us through the tough times. What’s my point here?
Well lying in bed all day has given me the opportunity to reflect. For all you single ladies out there who are struggling to find out whether or not the guy you are dating really loves you, or whether or not he feels the same way as you do, I urge you to realize that if you have to wonder at all, he does not. This may sound harsh or over-simplified but I swear to you, that IT IS really simple. LOVE IS SIMPLE. We’ve been sold a lie by Hollywood and pop culture which tell us of the complications of love. Lies! Love is soooo not complicated and it is soooo very clear. When it’s real, its ridiculously, and almost comically EASY. If I knew then, what I do now, I would not have wasted a minute on those guys who made me wonder. When you are in a loving requited relationship you do not have to try. You do not have to work and there are no doubts. IT IS EASY.
(Please know I am not saying that you do not have to work within your relationship to maintain a healthy balance between love and life. I am simply saying that you should NEVER have to work or try to make someone love you, treat you nicely or respect you. When the love is real, this is automatic.)
Move beyond the guys that make you doubt. Don’t doubt yourself, don’t doubt your feelings, don’t doubt your values and please DO NOT SETTLE. By holding your values and your standards near and dear to you and by not compromising yourself you put yourself out there to be found by the partner of your dreams, the one you’re meant to be with and the one who is perfect for you, and you for him.
I wrote this to the ladies but this is for the fellas too. Do not compromise yourself for the easy fling. Know your worth, have some integrity and believe that true love does indeed exist. I’m telling you it does. I wasn’t a believer until Mr. Sag proved to me how very real it is.
Thanks for reading. Hope I can help someone.
I often hear from my male friends that they struggle to start conversations with women. They want to know the best way to introduce themselves to a stranger to find out if there’s a spark. Tip: The best pickup line ever . . . “Hello”. Nothing fancy, nothing witty or smart, just start with “hi’. Take it from there and don’t over-think it.
A simple “hello” will allow you to gauge temperature. Is she receptive, suspicious or simply not interested? The warmth of her response will let you know. Remember, a great deal of our communication is non-verbal. Read the cues and go from there. If she is warm to your friendly greeting (a smile is a good indication) ask her about her day or tell her something interesting about yours. Keep the conversation light and easy with the only goal being to say hello. Don’t put pressure on yourself by setting an aggressive goal such as getting a date or a phone number from this stranger. Just say hi and see if any doors open for you. We’ve all heard that dating is something of a numbers game. The more times you try this simple approach the more opportunities you’re creating to actually get a number or even that elusive date. Give it a try. Let me know how it goes fella’s.
Ladies, if you’re open to it, I see no reason why the advice above should not apply to us as well. If you see a handsome guy, why not say hello and flash a smile. There’s nothing to it and there’s really nothing to lose. Plus a smile can do so much for someone. We never know what’s going on in another person’s life and the simple act of smiling at someone can be the difference between feeling alone and unnoticed and feeling like you matter.
That being said, this doesn’t just apply to men or to singles looking for a date. Why don’t we (city folk) do more to acknowledge each other? We aren’t on this planet alone, so why do we so often behave like our lives do not overlap with the lives of others?
Having recently moved from Toronto to Atlanta the difference is striking! People actually see, look at and talk to each other here. Imagine that? I remember having a conversation with my girlfriends in Toronto telling them how I actually contemplated the idea that I might be dead. Yes, that’s right. Really dead, like Bruce Willis in Sixth Sense. I wondered if I was invisible and if the only people who could see me were a select few who didn’t want to shock me by telling me the sad truth. What’s more ridiculous about this conversation is that these other women confessed to contemplating the very same thought. It’s one thing if I’m just mad, but when a hand full of beautiful single ladies in the city can all testify to feeling the same way there’s a problem.
You can spend an entire day in Toronto walking around, shopping etc. and no one will make eye contact with you or say hello. What’s ironic is that these people do in fact want to connect and are yearning for physical and emotional connection. That is evidenced by the millions of single men and women in the Greater Toronto Area logging onto online dating sites and social networks to search for potential matches. Yet out in the real world, we all walk past each other with our heads down and eyes averted like we are terrified of each other, avoiding human interaction at all costs.
Is almost startling being in Atlanta. The difference is tangible. People look you in the eye, say “good afternoon”, ask you how you’re doing (and actually want to hear your answer. Not that vacant, robotic question that Toronto retail sales girls ask you when you walk into a store) and, imagine this, hold the door open for you, acknowledging that they do in fact see you coming. My neighbours have come over to introduce themselves and drivers here slow to let you into a lane if you signal (as opposed to speeding up, closing the gap and pretending they don’t see you, T.Dot styles).
What’s wrong with us Toronto? Are we truly as mean and cold as the rest of Canada says we are? I refuse to believe that. We can change things and create a warmer city if we want to. It super simple, starts with just a few people and it doesn’t take much. Try saying hello. It just might go viral.
I was fortunate enough to be able to spend some time with Andrew Trees, author of Decoding Love: Why It Takes Twelve Frogs to Find a Prince, and Other Revelations from the Science of Attraction. You might recognize Andrew Trees as the one who is comically recognized as the “smart one” who regularly appears on the Guys Tell All segment of the Today Show, gracing Hoda and Kathie Lee with some much needed perspective and a strong male view on dating in the 21st century.
When I told Andrew about LuvHertz.com he was excited about doing some work together! I am so pleased to be able to share these dating tips with you which have been created by Andrew exclusively for LuvHertz.com! I think you’ll find that these are not your average dating tips! Enjoy!
Dating Tips for LuvHertz.com, By Andrew Trees
1. Selective desire is better than generalized desire. In other words, don’t hit on everyone you meet. In a recent study, people who were seen as having generalized desire were perceived as less desirable, while people who showed desire for just one person were viewed much more positively. Also, in a study of speed dating, researchers found that the choosier people were, the higher others rated their appeal.
2. Make lots of eye contact. Eye contact boosts attractiveness, regardless of the sex. In a study conducted by psychologist Arthur Aron, total strangers were paired up and had a ninety-minute conversation in which they shared personal details about themselves. Then they gazed silently into one another’s eyes for four minutes. Afterwards, they were asked about their feelings for the other person, and many of the participants admitted that they felt strongly attracted.
3. Worry about how you act, more than how you look. A study found that attractiveness, emotional expressiveness, and social skills all contributed to someone’s likeability but that attractiveness was the least important of the three.
4. Show the person that you like him or her. Researchers have discovered that how much we think someone likes us has a powerful effect on how much we like them.
5. Although it is a bit of an odd metric, try to partner with someone who has had roughly the same number of sexual partners as yourself. Research has found that, on average, these couples feel greater commitment and satisfaction about their relationship and also experience greater love for one another.
JOIN LuvHertz.com today and get 5 more free dating tips by Andrew Trees! As a gift for joining LuvHertz and for current LuvHertz.com members Andrew has five more tips for you! Join today: www.luvhertz.com
Check out Decoding Love here: http://www.andrewtrees.com/
Follow Andrew on Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/andrewtrees
Andrew on the Today Show: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/29054368/#42071327
Andrew with Tyra:
When a guy volunteers out of the blue to tell you about his philosophy on marriage and when that philosophy is that marriage is a fruitless, inevitably disastrous institution in which he would never participate you can interpret this to mean that he does not consider you marriage material and that he does not want to and would never even consider marrying YOU. Yes, some comments are not to be taken personally, this is not one of those comments.
This is not all negative though. There’s a bright side here, your Vibe is giving you the information you require to make the important decision to stop wasting your time and energy on him/her. Use it to do just that. If you are marriage minded then you need to cut your losses and move on.
Steve Harvey, author of “Think Like a Man, Act Like a Lady” and “Straight Talk, No Chaser” talks about the “90 Day Rule” as a determination of when a woman should consider sleeping with the man she is dating. He says it’s no different from probation at a new job, you’re not eligible for “benefits” until you’ve proven your worth and that you are committed. This commitment cannot be clearly ascertained until you’ve worked for at least 3 months.
Andrew Trees, author of “Decoding Love: Why it Takes Twelve Frogs to Find a Prince, and Other Revelations from the Science of Attraction”, says the biggest mistake that women make in relationships is sleeping with a guy too soon.
Claire, do you have any advice regarding the amount of time you should be dating someone before you sleep together?
Claire says it’s about valuing yourself. What is your worth? How easy is it to gain your trust and intimacy? “It’s completely unacceptable to sleep with someone on the first date if you have any intention of having a long-term relationship with this person.” she says. Andrew Trees would agree with Claire here. In his book he says “The quickest way for a woman to turn herself from a long-term prospect into a short-term hookup is to sleep with a man too soon.” Claire says she can’t put an exact time on it, but she thinks that a woman will know when the time is right. “You really want the man to know who you are as a person and not who you are in bed.” she says. How do you want to be perceived? As the girl he’s sleeping with or as the girl he respects and is in a relationship with?
Remember, guys are instinctively hunters. They do enjoy the hunt. If you give it up too early ladies, they have nothing to look forward to and can quite simply lose interest. Also, don’t fall into the trap of trying to convince yourself that sex wont change things. Things DO change when sex enters the picture. It’s an additional level of complexity and intimacy that cannot be denied. Women too often get emotionally caught up and men, far too often lose respect.
I gotta say that I agree with all the experts. If you think you have to have sex with the guy you’re dating to hold his interest, then clearly, he isn’t interested in you in the first place (or not interested in ALL of you anyway, just some parts). Seriously though, simmer down. We’re living in fast paced times. We’re driven by pleasure and by immediate gratification. It seems we’re unable to wait two seconds without growing impatient and having a meltdown. I say, good things are worth waiting for. If it comes too quickly or too easily we tend to value it less anyway.
It’s basic economics; supply and demand. It’s human nature to want what we can’t have and things that are in short supply are far more valuable economically speaking. Just think about gold, diamonds and . . . yes, sex. WAIT, it won’t kill you. Ladies if the guy sticks around long enough to really get to know you and loves YOU – meaning your personality, your character, your idiosyncrasies and your values – then you know he’s worth sleeping with. Value yourself and do yourself the favour of not liking anyone that doesn’t like you back.
Steve Harvey on the ’90-Day Rule’: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eq1ym9bph4w
A LuvHz Piece By: Ed
A friend of mine recently went on a tropical vacation that got me thinking about holiday romances and hookups. I asked for her thoughts on the subject on twitter, and she threw the question back on me asking me to share my thoughts on the subject in a short post.
The more I thought about it the more I realized that my views on vacation relationships are similar to my views on relationships in general. Some people use the fleeting nature of a vacation to let loose, and dive head first into anonymous encounters with reckless abandon. And who can blame them? On vacation we are surrounded by strangers, often in beautiful and exotic locales. We are far from the negative stares and disapproving comments of friends, family, and co-workers. We drink, party all night, and if we are lucky meet many attractive singles that share our (temporarily) free-spirited mindset.
The setting is perfect, you are already in a hotel so you don’t have to apologize for your shitty apartment, or crappy car, or annoying roommates. It’s almost like the universe wants you have a one-night stand, and you can’t fight the universe. My rule has always been honesty. Now I can’t lie, if I meet someone and we are hitting it off and I’m getting all the signals I’m not going to kill the vibe by explaining that I’m not looking for something serious, but I’m also not going to talk a bunch of bullshit that overstates my intentions. I found myself in a situation like that just last year.
I re-connected with an old co-worker on Facebook and we began talking over IM, then on the phone. This was a girl I had a crush on, long story short, I asked her out, she shot me down. I was enjoying our conversations, we seemed to have similar interests and it was obvious that there was a bit of a mutual attraction. I told her that I was going home to visit for a weekend during the summer, and she got exited planning a dinner and activities for us to do when I got there. She then said she could pick me up at the airport and offered me a place to stay if I wanted it. I know that may seem innocent but some context is needed.
First the place to stay: I was going back to a place I had lived for twenty-one years. My aunts and uncles stilled lived there, my grandmother till lived there and my friends still lived there. I had plenty of places to stay. I hadn’t seen this girl in eight years and she was letting me stay with her. Maybe it was an innocent, friendly gesture, but I doubt it. Next there were the plans. I was in town for Caribana, I hadn’t been home in two years and hadn’t been to Caribana in seven. I had twenty-one years worth of people to see in four days and she wanted one of those days all to herself. So what did I do? Did I let her pick me up from the airport on Friday, spend the night with her, ignore her for the rest of my trip and then leave? I could have, easily. She is not in my circle of friends and she lives in another country. It would have been easy to use her and ignore her. People do it every day and don’t think twice about it. But I couldn’t.
I’m not a saint, but I don’t like feeling shitty about myself either. I had to explain to her that it seemed like she was expecting more out of my visit than I was, and in the end I didn’t see her at all. If we had been on the same page it would have been fun to spend a night with her. I assumed our relationship was friendly and casual, she obvious thought otherwise. I know that isn’t a typical vacation scenario, but the same rules apply: treat others the way you want to be treated. We’ve all been played before and it sucks. Sex is great, but great sex is great for both people, and a great night can be ruined by a shitty morning. So enjoy your vacation, but don’t be that guy, or girl. You’re better than that aren’t you?
By: Ed, Contributor, LuvHertz Blog
A Bit about Claire:
Claire is a rounded wellness expert. She began as an RMT and recognized that discomforts and injuries that people were manifesting physically too often came from discomforts and challenges they were facing in their personal lives. She identified that when people were lacking balance of any sort, that the stress often resulted in illness or physical discomfort. With this understanding Claire obtained her Life Coaching certification and now integrates this holistic wellness consulting into her matchmaking practice.
Claire’s 14 –year marriage is a testament to her expertise. Claire has been with her, husband, for a total of 17 years and they have been blessed with two beautiful girls. I’m a believer that anyone who can maintain a successful relationship for a significant duration of time is an expert at his or her relationship. Let’s be honest, some of us suck in this department, myself included. So yes, I do want to know what she thinks.
1) Phone First. Claire recommends that the couple she is matching always have a phone call before going out. This way, they can gauge their comfort with each other and decide from there if they want to meet face to face.
2.) Less is More. The first “date” is short; one hour max. After the first meeting both parties meet with Claire individually to review, get feedback and decide if they want a second, longer date. The first meeting is always casual.
No dinner, no booze. Alcohol complicates things and can obscure one’s personality. Take it out of the equation and each person can get to know the real person sitting in front of him/her. Be clear in mind and let the first impression be a true impression; chemically unaltered and accurate.
3.) Feedback – Keeping it Real. Claire couldn’t stress enough how important the ‘feedback’ element of the process is. One client who was having tremendous success in his professional life was having a hard time getting it together in his personal life. This man went to the first date and wore a baseball cap, talked about his ex-girlfriend, then talked about his ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend and finally finished up by talking about himself. This dude had no filter and no clue what constitutes acceptable date chat. He was shocked that his date did not want to see him again. “What did I do wrong?” he asked Claire. She’s the objective middle-woman who is there to offer guidance and constructive criticism. She helps her clients to become successful daters by gently encouraging them to learn from past mistakes.
I wanted to know, “Is Chivalry Dead”?
No it’s not. Claire challenges every man who thinks its dead to take the lead and revive it. “Men, please don’t hesitate to treat a lady well. It’s the gesture and the process of wooing a lady that is so memorable and meaningful.” says Claire. When it is clear that a man spent some time and energy planning something nice for a woman it makes her feels great and it really does makes a woman feel special. It shows forethought and signals that a man cares. Every woman (and man for that matter) wants to feel appreciated and no one wants to feel that they are being taken for granted.
Hey dudes, it’s not about money either. It’s often the things that don’t cost anything that can be the most meaningful. Put some thought and creativity into it gentlemen and you can show your lady how much she really means to you. It’s one thing to say it, it’s much more powerful to show it. It’s simple actually. Open the car door, pull out the seat, be considerate and tell a woman that she is beautiful. Chivalry is not dead.
How Do You Feel About Living with Your Significant Other Before Marriage?
Claire is a big believer in cohabitation. She did it herself. She and her boyfriend, (now husband) knew they were marriage-bound and that’s why she agreed to move in with him. She believes it is a good test ground to move in before marriage and a great way to work out the cohab kinks. She says it allows couples to work through all the idiosyncrasies before marriage so that the couple does not have to come off the high of a wedding and honeymoon and enter into a cohabitation nightmare full of bad living habits.
Claire is not, however, suggesting that you move in with the person you’re dating to save on rent, to test the seriousness or commitment of the relationship or because you are under the mistaken impression that you can trick your boyfriend/girlfriend into committing to you if they live with you. Only take this step once the two of you have discussed your relationship and have agreed that you are seriously committed to each other for the long term. It’s not easy living with someone else, no matter who it is and no matter how much you love that person issues will come up. It’s your level of commitment, determination to make it through and genuine love (with depth and substance) that will be the deciding factor of whether premarital cohab will strengthen your relationship or break it.
How to find Mr. or Ms. Right
Claire recommends that everyone who is single and searching write a wish list. Put it on paper, or even better into your VibeSet on LuvHertz.com. Review it and stay true to it. Claire shared a story of her friend who went through some really tumultuous relationships and was frustrated that she couldn’t find a partner. Claire told her to write her wish list. Her friend recently got married to her dream man last summer and she had her list with her at the wedding. She was marrying her perfect mate. It took some time and Claire was there to support her and encourage her not to veer from what she wanted. Today she’s so happy she didn’t settle.
As Toronto’s Dating Inexpert you had better believe that I was chomping at the bit to pick the brain of this matchmaker when the opportunity presented itself. Claire Ross is one of Toronto’s most successful matchmakers and she was taking the time to give me the 411 on the modern dating scene. You know from my first blog post that I’m not exactly brilliant when it comes to love – hence my need to build the first social network dedicated to relationship and dating advice-sharing – so if I could learn from an expert I was going to be attentive and take great notes, LOL. But in all seriousness, I know I’m not the only lost soul. Many people can benefit from what I learned in this conversation, so I’m sharing the wealth!
Claire Ross, founder of Gems-Connect Matchmaking, is a relatively new matchmaker in the GTA, but her record of making successful matches goes back decades. Having only launched Gems-Connect in the summer of 2010, she already has 3 marriages and over 30 matches under her belt. Let me be clear, Claire didn’t come trotting into our coffee date on a high horse, nor did she set up a pedestal upon which to preach. She’s the first to tell you that relationships and marriage are W.O.R.K.! It’s not a fairytale and it’s certainly not the story that Hollywood’s been trying to sell us since the beginning of time. Once you’re lucky enough to find the person who is worth the work, you commit, stick with it and don’t give up.
What are the Common Pitfalls that Daters Make?
1.) Talking about past relationships on a date is a big one. It’s a huge buzz kill, especially on the first few meetings. No one wants to hear about your ex and it’s far too early to go unzipping all your baggage. Try to compose yourself and resist the urge to talk about negative past experiences on dates. It’s supposed to be a pleasant experience, not a therapy session. It’s OK to talk about how long you’ve been single, but don’t go into details about your previous relationships. Leave your past in the past.
2.) Being attracted to the same kind of person over and over. Try not to continually attract or seek out the same kind of person when you know, or should know based on experience, that this type of person is not good for you. Try something new, keep an open mind.
3.) Being Cocky and Arrogant. Humility is huge for dating. Sure, you might be ‘all that’ and the bag of chips from 1992, but please, try your best to be humble. Confidence is great, over-confident arrogance is a turnoff.
Who Should Pay the Bill on Date? Should a Woman Always Offer?
For the first date, the man should pay. Remember guys, when it comes to a dinner and you are still trying to impress the other person, it is definitely not impressive to split the bill or have the woman pay. Claire believes the man should definitely always cover the FULL bill on the first two or three dates. “Absolutely, the man should pay” she says. But ladies should never assume that the man’s is going to pay so there’s nothing wrong with offering to help. It’s considerate and it’s a gesture that shows appreciation while recognizing that the man is not obligated to pay. If he pays, it’s because he’s a gentleman. “A man who really wants to see you again will always make sure the bill is taken care of” she says.
Look, even though we women have our own things, our own money and are independent, we still want to be with someone who wants to take care of us and to treat us well. Everyone wants to be appreciated. Women like to be treated like ladies, and men like to be acknowledged for being upstanding gentlemen. Ladies, it’s not a given that a man will pay, say “thank you”.
What’s the Best Advice You Have for Singles Out There Who are Looking for Love?
Never lower your standards. Don’t ever settle. The right person will come at the right time. Stay true to what you want and to who you are. Keep your eyes and your mind open. The man or woman of your dreams might not come in the package you expect. Dating can be really frustrating and we can fall into the trap of lowering our standards in order to be with someone. Loneliness is a valid experience and it’s not fun. But being in a bad relationship is always worse than being alone.
More to come . . . Look out for my next post.
Is a woman’s ability to take care of herself and the fact that she is a strong, capable, woman actually a detriment to her dating profile?
I was single for a long time and I grew up doing things for myself. I didn’t have a father who would lift heavy boxes or open jars for me. I never needed much help doing these basic things, challenging as they might have sometimes been. I could open my own jars, move my own furniture, change a fuse, and set up electronics and computers by myself. OK, so I couldn’t stop bullets with my bangle but you get where I’m going.
I’d heard the rhetoric from men that they “like strong, independent women” but observations told me that the rhetoric was just that. Most of the single women I knew and observed were extremely independent and, likely out of necessity, were very self-reliant and capable. This seemed to beg the question: “Are strong, independent women viewed as undesirable?” and “Do men prefer to date a more needy, less capable woman?”
I thought relationships were about WANT not NEED and about desire, passion and respect, rather than dependence. Most of the single and highly capable ladies I knew did yearn to be in loving and romantic relationships. And let’s face it, there are some things we do prefer a man to do for us . . .
Aaaanyway,,, as a very honest man explained to me, men’s egos drive them and their egos create their desire to feel needed. Was this the key that I was missing? NEEDINESS? This was hard for me; I wasn’t raised to be needy. “So what! Just pretend!” I was advised. But, isn’t that dishonest, desperate and, not to mention, highly manipulative? So was I supposed to “act” like I couldn’t change the light bulb and that the door was too heavy for me to open? Really?
Speaking of “doors”, I am reminded of another aspect of the discussion that can’t be overlooked, CHIVALRY. I am capable, but when a man offers me his strength and service so I don’t HAVE to do it myself, it’s sweet, totally appreciated and really attractive! I think chivalry could be defined as taking actions to be an everyday hero. Doing things for women (despite the facts that women can manage these simple tasks on their own) as a gesture of male strength and masculinity for the purpose of being upstanding.
So yes, I admit it! I want someone who WANTS to take care of me despite the fact I can take care of myself. Again, want vs. need.
I’ve recently become involved in a loving romantic relationship with a very strong, intelligent and loving man. He admires, respects and seems to adore my independent nature and strength. My sweetheart was raised by a very strong mother and is surrounded by aunts and cousins who would all be described as independent and self-sufficient ladies. Maybe it’s a matter of upbringing or just what one is used to.
To be honest I still think of myself as an exception. The majority of the single ladies I know are successful, strong, independent and self-sufficient. That doesn’t mean that they cannot accept help or that they don’t want it. These ladies are gorgeous, funny, objectively attractive and yes, they do desire to be in loving romantic relationships. The only common denominator seems to be their strength. What’s going on? Help me out here, I want to sort this one out.
In an era when dating sites prevail and social networks are the norm for keeping in touch I can’t help but wonder, if “Sex and the City” was still on the air, which of the popular dating sites would Samantha join? And on which social network would she, Carrie, Miranda and Charlotte stay connected, dish about romantic escapades and vent about dating dramas? Social media is changing the dating scene. How do we keep up? How can we navigate the dating world when it has become so complicated?
Dedicated exclusively to dating, relationship and marriage advice-sharing, LuvHertz.com is an interactive community, designed to connect people all over the world. LuvHertz.com allows members to discuss relationship experiences and to receive measurable and meaningful dating feedback from people who have “been there” before.
Social networking trends tell us that people are so desperate for relationship feedback and dating advice that they are, out of necessity, visiting really negative sites that rate dates superficially. The emergence of sites like HotorNot.com and CandoBetter.com which should only loosely be classified as relationship advice sites have soared in popularity. Most recently, people have even started dishing about their dates on public forums like Facebook and Twitter. A New York Times article by Douglas Quenqua discusses this phenomenon. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/18/fashion/18facebook.html
Quenqua confirms that for couples, “score-settling on Facebook has grown commonplace.” Facebook is hardly the venue for this. It is my belief social media is not being used to its full potential when it comes to dating and relationship advice.
So how can people take advantage of this new technology, and use it constructively to help them improve their love lives? To successfully navigate the modern dating scene we need to be able to talk to other people about our experiences so we can get feedback from our modern dating peers. Who are the “experts” in the modern dating scene who can help us? I say, we all are! Love is the universal language everyone knows! But in spite of its universality, it is an irritatingly difficult subject to master.
We’ve all been in relationships and our experiences can be easily and effectively shared with others via online social networks. Up until now, social media was not being used effectively when it comes to romance. LuvHertz.com has changed that. LuvHertz.com connects people all over the world who have a collective wealth of knowledge and ‘expertise’ due to their own life experiences and by virtue of simply having been in relationships themselves. Who better to ask than people who have been in your shoes?
The return of “Sex and the City 2″ to theatres around the world last summer reminded fans of the hilariously intimate, and at times brutally honest, gossip sessions held between Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte. These four women dished, advised and were always there for each other for heartbreaks and celebrations. Technology played no small role in the film, Charlotte was virtually pasted to her iPhone the entire movie. Did she have the LuvHz app? Whether we’ll admit it or not, technology plays a significant role in most of our love lives. There is no doubt that in 2011, these sophisticated ladies would have taken their dish sessions online, bringing the advice they give each other to a whole new level by adding LuvHertz.com to their Entourage.
What calamitous situation precipitated the insight that LuvHertz.com was necessary? The Toronto dating scene can be pretty brutal and it provided plenty of inspiration. There are thousands of sexy singles looking for love (or not) and it’s a competitive scene. Dating in Toronto is difficult because we live in an ADHD, instant gratification sort of society. The attitude seems to be “Why would I settle down with you when there are 10 other hot guys (or gals) knocking on my door?” Single people have so much choice (some would argue too much) and so few responsibilities. The problem is that this increase in the amount of potential mates and dates has not been followed by an increase in happiness or relationship satisfaction. Just the opposite seems to be the case.
My own experiences necessitated that I build a site to help me navigate the dating scene and my relationships. After talking to others, I realized that I wasn’t the only one in need of this “Dating Gauge”. Grab a seat and have a laugh. While it might seem like some of these stories are straight out of a bad soap opera, I assure you that these are real stories submitted to me by members who were only too happy to share and release.
Vibe = the person you are dating, in a relationship with or married to.
LuvLog = your online, interactive relationship log
LowFreq = (Low Frequency) A negative experience with your significant other that receives a score of -5 to -1 on the scale of -5 to +5.
Jolt = Any score of -4 or worse.
Entourage = Your online community of friends and people whose opinions you value when it comes to your love life.
Ashley’s Story: Vibe #1
Mr. Faithfully-Unfaithful (Mr.FU)
Pun absolutely intended
Mr. FU was a four-year relationship that should have been four months at most. This is a textbook example of how LuvHertz could have be used to prevent Ashley from wasting time and resources on a relationship that wasn’t worth the investment.
LuvLog 1: Really?
Mr. FU liked to borrow Ashley’s car when she went to work part-time in the evenings and he also liked to be 20 – 30 minutes late to pick her up when her shift was over. That’s right, he used to be late to pick her up WITH HER OWN CAR! LOL. That’s one audacious dude!
LowFreq -4 = Jolt #1
Don’t doubt your instincts. A gut feeling is your body’s way of alerting you that it is sensing something that is not too right. Don’t dismiss the discomfort or make excuses to try to explain it away. Your feelings are legit and valid.
LuvLog 2: Midnight Texting
Ashley can recall a few nights of waking up because of the blue light shining in her eyes from Mr. FU’s cell phone. “Um, who are you texting?” She’d ask. “Oh, just someone from school about an assignment.” he’d scramble for an answer. Yes, that’s what people do at two in the morning. Right! Most of us would agree that this is highly suspicious behavior but Ashley neglected to act on her instincts due to her desire not be perceived as paranoid or untrusting.
If the glowing blue light from your Vibe’s cell phone or laptop is waking you up at night your Vibe is scheming. Unless it is an urgent work matter, and we do mean URGENT, there is no reason to be texting or emailing in the middle of the night. Furthermore, there’s no reasonable excuse you can make to explain away your Vibe’s midnight texting/surfing habits.
LuvLog 3: It wasn’t me!
Welcome to the disaster zone. After returning home from a weekend away with the girls Ashley came home to an urgent voicemail from her roommate telling her that they had to talk. Her roommate rushed over to meet her and sat her down to explain to her that while Ashley was away she had come home to their apartment and walked in on Mr.FU doing the deed with some chick in the living room (keep in mind Mr. FU doesn’t live with them). As you can imagine Ashley was horrified. Needless to say the confrontation that followed was pretty awful. Mr. FU insisted that it never happened and that her roommate “misunderstood”. How do you misunderstand THAT? Ashley couldn’t pass on the opportunity to use a beautiful Shaggy reference, “Wait, let me guess” she said, “It wasn’t you?” LOL
LowFreq -5 = Jolt #2,
The Resuscitation of Mr. FU:
After Ashley Fried Mr. FU he persisted to beg and plead for a full year asking her to forgive him. Ashley never thought she would ever take a cheater back, but after a year of this she started to think the dude was sincere. Even her friends (who previously wanted to kick his ass) thought she could give the dude another chance. They had a great year after getting back together. She says they were even stronger than before.
LuvLog 4: Tiger’s Mentor
After falling asleep early one evening Ashley awoke to hear whispers coming from the bathroom and she could see light shining below the closed door. Mr. FU was on the phone in her bathroom. She recalls how she tiptoed towards the bathroom undetected and pushed her ear softly against the door to hear him having phone sex with someone who clearly wasn’t her. He finished up his call by setting a date to rendezvous and bring his phone fantasies to reality. So when Mr. FU opened the door Ashley was standing right there. Composed, she asked him innocently who was on the phone. He proceeded to get defensive (Jolt 1). She asked him if she could see his phone. He said no and started to try to delete the phone number (Jolt 2). She calmly explained to him that if he deleted the number he could leave immediately and never come back. Ashley calmly asked again for the phone, holding out her hand. Calling her bluff, he passed the phone to her and she pressed redial. A girl picked up the phone. “Hello” said Ashley, “Sorry to call you so late. You don’t know me, but I am the girlfriend of the guy you were just talking to. Do you mind if I ask you a couple of questions?” she asked politely. The woman on the other side sounded shocked but agreed. Ashley asked her if she knew that Mr. FU had a girlfriend or if he had told her about Ashley. She said no. Ashley asked, “Given that Mr. FU has a girlfriend, was anything about your conversation inappropriate?” “Yes, absolutely” she responded. “If you were in my position would you break up with this guy”? Ashley asked. “Yes, absolutely” she responded without missing a beat. Ashley ended the conversation by thanking the woman for her time and by telling her that she could now have Mr. FU because he was officially back on the market. “No thanks, I don’t want him either.” she declared. Ashley let Mr.FU know it was game over as she directed him out of her house like an air traffic controller.
LowFreq – 5 = Jolt # 3
Fry Vibe! (again)
If your Vibe cheated once and you forgave, power to you for being a strong and forgiving person, I can’t judge. But if it happens again, it’s time to cut the cheater loose. No drama necessary, no discussion warranted, just walk away, dignity in tact. This is not a baseball game, there’s no three strikes system here. Two times, you’rrrre out!
Sonia’s Story: Vibe #2
Mr. Paper Perfect (Mr. PP)
Indeed, he did have a slight Oedipal complex
Mr. PP was definitely taking a page or two from Neil Strauss’ player handbook “The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists”. Let me tell you how this guy totally did a number on Sonia. At the time she couldn’t make the forest for the trees but, as hindsight so often reveals, with time she could totally see how she had been a player’s delight.
LuvLog 1: No Friends?
Question, class: Is it a bad thing if you’ve been seeing a guy for 4 months and you haven’t met any of his friends? I got this one, the answer is “YES”. So as per the question above, this was the case for Sonia. By this point he’d met her best friends and she had not met one of his. Was he just a loner? No, he spoke to his friends on the phone, went out with them, texted them, but never included her in his plans with them or set up an opportunity for them to meet.
LowFreq -4 = Jolt #1
Guys don’t introduce their friends to girls that they don’t plan on keeping around, so if you are not being introduced to his friends after two or three months, it’s not because he doesn’t have any, it’s because he doesn’t want you to meet them (Same can be said for ladies. We do it too)
LuvLog 2: Pal?
How long do you have to be dating someone before you start using the bf/gf titles? I’d say that if it’s not being used after 4 months of intense and hot n’ heavy dating, then it’s not happening. So Sonia’s out with Mr. PP on a beautiful summer day and one of his friends walking by the patio spots him. “Hey” Mr. PP greets him, “How’s it going? This is my pal Sonia”. Pal? Wow! ‘Nough said!
If your Vibe introduces you as “buddy,” “pal” or “friend”, you instantly know where you stand. Consider yourself notified! You ARE the “buddy,” “pal” or “friend” not the girlfriend or boyfriend.
LuvLog 3: BBQ Aversion
If being invited to a casual BBQ at your parent’s place makes the person you’re dating feel faint, it’s a VERY bad sign. Looking back on the day she invited Mr. PP to her parent’s place for a casual summer BBQ Sonia can only laugh. It was quite the comical situation watching as he clutched for the stairway banister to slowly seat himself down on a stair to catch his breath. Clearly, when a guy has this reaction to meeting your family after four months, this is something he never planned on doing. This wasn’t meant to be a long-term thing in his mind and for your sake don’t try to make it one.
LowFreq -4 = Jolt #2
If you’re not into casual dating, don’t continue participating in this kind of relationship thinking you can convince him/her you’re worth the commitment. This Vibe’s mind was made up about you and the type of relationship this was gonna be the day you met.
LuvLog 4: Volunteered Marriage Philosophy
When a guy volunteers out of the blue to tell you about his philosophy on marriage and when that philosophy is that marriage is a fruitless, inevitably disastrous institution in which he would never participate you can interpret this to mean that he does not consider you marriage material and that he does not want to and would never even consider marrying YOU. Sonia never got the memo. On a lovely summer Sunday afternoon drive through the country, this is precisely the conversation that Mr.PP initiated and monopolized. Noted!
Yes, some comments are not to be taken personally, this is not one of those comments. This is not all negative though. There’s a bright side here, your Vibe is giving you the information you require to make the important decision to stop wasting your time and energy on him/her. Use it to do just that. If you are marriage minded then you need to cut your losses and move on.
LuvLog 5: Vacation Sucker Punch
“I’ve got a week’s vacation time coming up!” Mr. PP announces excitedly. Sonia couldn’t help but wonder if they would be spending this vacation time together. “I really want to go away someplace special, someplace hot and fun!” he continues! Here she is thinking he’s about to ask her to go away with him . . . “Man, I’m really looking forward to going away BY MYSELF this year!” he annunciates. Sonia had never been punched in the in the stomach before but she was confident that it would feel exactly like that. Shocked, she had no response.
LowFreq -4 = Jolt #3.
When people are in healthy, requited relationships they want to spend time together; Not every waking second of the day, mind you, but vacations and days off DO count. If your Vibe is not planning with you or if s/he doesn’t mention you when talking about the future, take the hint, you have just been given your “two weeks notice”.
When your relationship can be described by 95% of the chapters of Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo’s “He’s Just Not That Into You” . . . (do I have to finish this sentence?). Consider the camel’s back broken!
As we all know, these types of experiences are not unique to Ashley and Sonia. Nor are they limited to the female experience. We know women can be just as ruthless and conniving as men. Many of my friends and I have had similarly frustrating and hurtful experiences. I can remember coming home in a messy rage after the latest disappointing and extremely convoluted experiences I had with a guy I had been seeing for six months and I started venting to my girls. About halfway through my tirade, I declared that we needed a system to keep ourselves in check and that could automatically “strike out” these players after a number of “foul plays” had been registered. “Three Strikes, you’re out buddy!” I blurted out. In that moment the light bulb switched on and I realized that not only was such a system possible but that I could create it. So, baseball metaphors aside (we’ve got Joltz instead of strikes) and with a bit of creativity LuvHertz.com was born.
LuvHertz.com is a hilariously entertaining venue that allows you to anonymously dish about your latest Vibes and romantic escapades. I’m pleased that the process works! What’s been so profound about the site so far is that you can start out being pretty pissed off at your Vibe and after typing about the experience, reading comments from your Entourage and sharing scores, it doesn’t seem that bad anymore. In fact it can be downright hilarious.
There’s a cathartic liberation that comes from letting go and getting things off your chest! LuvHertz.com lets you do this in a deliciously entertaining social networking venue that empowers you to evaluate your love life and rate your Vibes, all while sharing experiences with people around the world to gain perspective and insight into your own love life. Welcome to LuvHertz.com, Toronto’s own Sex And ‘This’ City Too!